My therapist challenged me to write a letter to my depression. This is an exercise that we do frequently in treatment. We write letters to our bodies, to our disorders, to our anger, to people who have hurt us. For me, the act of writing the letter allows for the release of emotions, for the burden of feeling to be lifted.
Have you ever written a letter that you have never sent?
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
— Rainer Maria Rilke
Dear depression,
I am scared of you. I know you are part of me, and I know you are expressing something that I need to hear, but I have naively judged you. You remind me of sadness, of guilt, of emotions that Grandma Eleanor felt but no one wanted to acknowledge. My society ridicules your existence. The world ridicules your purpose. Because of this, I judged you as well. I was ashamed of your existence. I thought that your being was wrong, that you were something that I did not deserve to feel, or should feel, or want to feel. Sometimes, I still think this way.
But, I think that you yourself were scared of me. Scared of my judgment, or my anger. Like when someone lets out a big sigh of disappointment, their voice changing and lips tightening. Once that moment is reached, there is no return. Only bad. I reacted that way towards you. Please know, I only did this because I did not know what your intention was. I thought that you wanted me to be miserable. To take everything and anything that could make me happy and cover it in a blanket of black.
Thank you for letting me understand your true intention. Thank you for alerting me to my own misalignment with myself. For putting on the red hazard lights and telling me to “slow down” or else. You keep me true to myself. You keep me energized. You keep me loved.
I know that you are probably upset with me, and you have every right to be. Not only have I ignored you, your existence, but I have also judged you wrongly. I want you to know that I will not have a negative reaction to you anymore. I will welcome you with a warm smile, like Grandma Eleanor. I can’t promise that I will not question your purpose, but I know that your intent is always good. Please allow me the chance to be your friend, your ally.
